Believing a Griever: A Poem
A beautiful, smart, talented, loving, 52-year-old woman took her own life just two months shy of the seventh anniversary of her adult son’s tragic and senseless death.
Seven years. Damn.
And I just want to scream, “DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?”
Believe a griever and:
Don’t tell her he’s in a better place.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t think time heals. Time doesn’t heal. Time may help by demonstrating the world didn’t shatter, her world did.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t say, You’re so strong. She’s not strong, she is just continuing to exist, she doesn’t have a choice.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t say, I don’t know how you do it, I wouldn’t be able to do it. She doesn’t know how she is doing it and you are not helping with that waste of words.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t tell her, He would/wouldn’t want you to ….
Believe a griever and:
Don’t tell her, He lived a long, full life.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t think because she looks great, she’s over it.
She’ll never be over it.
She’ll never be who she was before he died.
Believe a griever and:
Invite her, but don’t expect her to come.
Invite her again and don’t expect her to come.
And again…
Believe a griever and:
Include her, knowing she might leave ten minutes after she arrives.
Believe a griever and:
If she does come and has a great time, don’t think her grief is over.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t tell her God needed another angel.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t give up on her.
Believe a griever and:
Know even decades out there are dark, dark moments.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t think because she’s laughing that she doesn’t grieve anymore.
Believe a griever and:
Know it is excruciating to continue to go on without one you love.
She’ll never be over it.
She’ll never be who she was before he died.
Believe a griever and:
Know that sometimes all the living loved ones and goodness in the world cannot fully mend her broken heart.
Believe a griever and:
Accept that celebrations, vacations, and milestones may always include some sadness and longing for someone who should be there.
Believe a griever and:
Realize that even if you have experienced the exact same loss, it doesn’t mean you know how it is for her.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t use the word should.
Believe a griever and:
Understand even a healthy, wealthy, easy life will be difficult, perhaps too difficult.
Believe a griever and:
Realize even with a renewed verve for life and adventure, there is still grief.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t compare a loss of yours or someone else’s to hers.
She’ll never be over it.
She’ll never be who she was before he died.
Believe a griever and:
Know that grief affects her physical health in addition to her mental, emotional, and perhaps spiritual health.
Believe a griever and:
Realize that when she must replace a computer or car, there will be sadness because he used that computer or car.
Believe a griever and:
Know that when a pet dies, it may be extra sad because it was a pet he loved.
Believe a griever and:
Understand that even the most mundane task, like a trip to the grocery, even years later, may have to be cut short or rushed because of a sudden onset of grief.
Believe a griever and:
Recognize that when she finds a really old can in the back of the pantry, she looks at the date to see if it was purchased when he was still alive.
Believe a griever and:
Ask if she wants to hear a story about him.
Believe a griever and:
Don’t not talk about him because you might remind her of her loss, she doesn’t forget.
She’ll never be over it.
She’ll never be who she was before he died.
Rest in peace and love, sweet friend. You are missed and will continue to be.
(The only time you cannot reliably believe a griever is when she says, “I’m fine.” She might truly be fine, and she might just be saying what she thinks you want to hear.)
If you have thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, please call 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.