Practical Gifts for Grieving Hearts
I am a big fan of Wirecutter, the product recommendation arm of The New York Times. It is my first stop when I want to know about sweaters that do not pill, significant purchases, or odd little things like who makes the best gift baskets. Recently, while scrolling through the Wirecutter archives, I stumbled across an article about gifts for someone whose loved one had recently died. Even our favorites sometimes miss because, damn, it was lame. Among the lowlights: cut flowers and, yes, wind chimes. Who decided bereaved people need wind chimes?
A friend recently lost her husband and received several wind chimes. Sev-er-al.
Now, admittedly, I am not a fan of wind chimes under any circumstances. I am sensitive to sound and a light sleeper. I simply cannot imagine bearing a continuous, cacophonic reminder that my loved one is dead. In one of the rare moments I might not be thinking about my grief, a breeze would clang me right back into it.
As for cut flowers, I loved receiving them. The gesture was thoughtful and beautiful, and for a while the flowers brightened the house. The trouble came later. Just about the time the memorial service was over, everyone had gone home, and things were getting especially quiet and lonely, those same flowers had started to droop, wither, and decay. Somehow, that felt sadder.
So, I made a list of gifts that I think are genuinely useful and comforting for someone who is grieving, especially someone suddenly living alone. If you know me, you will not be surprised by how practical some of these are:
Soft wrap or pashmina - A friend sent me one after Bob died, and it was perfect for comforting myself. Natural fibers make the best gifts. These range from about $25 to $250.
Heating pad - In the absence of the body warmth that comes with an embrace, a heating pad provides warmth unlike that of blankets. I like this one on Amazon (about $17) because it is washable and has an automatic shut-off.
Back scratcher - Nuff said. I like this folding version (about $6 for two) because one can be kept at the bedside and another in the living room. (Also an excellent gift for someone recently divorced.)
Jar opener - Bob actually bought me two different jar openers before he died, knowing he would not be around to open jars much longer. I still think about that every time I use one. This one (about $8) works well.
Night-lights - Grievers often experience irregular sleep, fear, and anxiety at night. A night-light can be comforting and help prevent falls. I like this one (about $14), which turns on automatically when it's dark and has a dimmer switch. Wirecutter recommends another for about $17.
Sleep mask - Covering my eyes sends my brain the message that it is time to rest and helps block light when sleep is fragile. I like this one (about $10) because it is soft and does not press against my eyelids.
Cozy throw blanket - Another cocoon of comfort, this one for the home. Wirecutter found 13 of the best throw blankets, plus about 50 that didn’t make the cut. All of them look great.
Food treats, not casseroles - Fine chocolates, cheeses, or favorite indulgent snacks. Casseroles are not right for everyone. When Bob died, I wrote “in lieu of flowers and food…” in the obituary. I lived alone and had very little appetite, so there was absolutely no need for extra food in the house.
Journal and a good pen - For memories, feelings, lists, or simply trying to keep thoughts straight.
Healing After Loss book by Martha Hickman (about $10) - Someone gave me this after Bob died, and it became part of my daily routine: 365 brief reflections on grief and loss.
Help Texts subscription ($109/year or about $99 with discount code mementomori) - Gentle, expert-written support texts personalized to the loss, relationship, and grief experience.
Sunny Care Services’ online course, What to Do After Losing a Loved One ($275) - One of the hardest parts of loss is the administrative aftermath: paperwork, accounts, bills, notifications, and estate matters. This course helps people sort through it.
If you are thinking, “Jen, I can hardly hand someone a jar opener after her husband dies,” I suggest putting together a basket of items. Better than another windchime IMHO.