End-of-Life Planning: Lessons from the Mama Surfers

Have you been thinking about the Mama Surfers? I have.

Before I tell you how their end-of-life prep endeavor turned out, let’s take a moment to celebrate what these women achieved in forming and sustaining their group. They’ve shown that shared wisdom beats going it alone, and that the changes and challenges of life’s later seasons call for more.

The Mama Surfers began meeting in mid-January on Monday nights (always at Karen’s home). Meeting in the same place removed the weekly hassle of logistics. They gathered at 7 pm, after dinner, in their own homes. Karen offered a simple beverage selection, and aside from the occasional plate of treats someone brought, no food was served. That choice kept the focus on the work rather than potluck duties.

They committed to ten Monday sessions. Starting in January meant three skipped Mondays—MLK Day, Presidents Day, and Spring Break—giving them holiday breaks, thus, at times, two weeks to finish tasks between meetings. Meeting for end-of-life preparation is serious work; the built-in extra time between some meetings was both wise and fortuitous.

All the Surfer Mamas are married with children. At first, a couple of husbands questioned the need for end-of-life preparation, and one husband bumped into Karen at the library and thanked her for leading the effort.

The group initially tried a book on end-of-life planning but found it too abstract. They switched to my free At Peace Tool Kit, which begins with contained, doable tasks (like setting up device legacy contacts and medical IDs) that build early momentum and a sense of accomplishment. Karen also kept The Death Deck on hand; pulling a few cards sparked conversations when energy lagged or they felt stuck.

While I’m thrilled the At Peace Tool Kit served them well, I urge anyone beginning comprehensive end-of-life prep to use whatever guide or workbook works. Sometimes that means buying several resources, and that’s fine. Use whatever helps you finish the job.

In the At Peace Tool Kit, I recommend revisiting preparation documents every four years or after major life events such as divorce or a family member’s death. The Mama Surfers emphasized this at every meeting. Regular review keeps plans current and reassures new preparers: your documents only need to work for the next four years, not for an unknowable distant future. When I recently updated my own papers, I caught myself worrying, “Will my executor still be healthy 25 years from now?” Then I reminded myself: the choices only need to hold until the next revision.

Karen asked me to join one of their meetings via Zoom, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and for At Peace stickers and swag as “graduation gifts,” which I gladly provided. On the final night, when Karen asked each woman to estimate her completion percentage, the lowest was 85%. Several had fully completed their documents, including their spouses’ as well as advance directives for their 18-plus-year-old kids, and some had started the process with their parents.

Most felt they had finished their planning, and all reported feeling far more comfortable discussing end-of-life (arguably the bigger victory). On the eleventh Monday, the group gathered again, this time with husbands, to celebrate, and they all played The Death Deck.

The Mama Surfers’ story maps the do-ability for us all. Start now—this fall—by inviting friends or approaching an existing group you’re part of (a book club, exercise class, or neighborhood circle) to commit to end-of-life planning together after the New Year. Early conversations and scheduling make it easier for people to say yes.

If you decide to do end-of-life preparation with your own group and would like me to join one of your meetings and/or provide stickers, let me know.